I FEEL like

I NEED to CLARIFY

the trip to VEGAS was not a trip

I took to GET to YOU

YOU helped me

in the TIME of danger

BUT

we're in NO WAY the source

of that DANGER

the THING that I regret

is not that it didn't work out

to marry you or whatever

I have NEVER known what the mission IS

it is ENTIRELY possible

that whatever I was supposed to do

FOR you is already done

HOWEVER

I feel like that is probably NOT the whole story

I REALLY feel like

WE are some sort of IMPORTANT unit

if I am supposed to write something

I ONLY want to write to YOU

I GET that you want to ACTIVATE me

BUT

the more you try to DIRECT that

the more you RISK

well, everything really

the more you emphasize FAST

the more I think

you are looking to EXIT

if you want to EXIT

you can't worry about FIXING me first

if you DON'T want to exit

then just FEEL how you feel

& let me feel how I feel

BUT

it's not going to be easy

to take the FULL onslaught of emotion

& the try to reign back my response

to ONLY see it as intangible

AND

I have NO way to gauge the WATER level

SO I feel like

PLAYFUL is the direction to go

NOT serious

RESET

doesn't seem to me to equal

FULL VOLUME right

I am not just worried about how YOU see me

I have to worry about how I SEE you too

& the THING I wanted to GET to

that I would consider to

I don't want to say failed 

BUT

am surprised at

is how well you have kept me OUT

ya know

I treasure every ACTUAL

BUT I am apparently willing to

bare my SOUL to who the f*CK ever

just to be able to TALK to YOU

it's weird & disorienting

BUT

it's working through the daddy & deborah issues

MAYBE none of this is NEW

I tend to think

if I said it ONCE like fifteen YEARS ago

then ASKED & ANSWERED

BUT

MAYBE not

I LOVE you VERY much

👾🫚

🍊

i don't know where souls stay, waiting to be born

and i don't remember exactly when
you first talked to me
but
i love you puppyfish
i've grown attached to you
you
the spirit
which, i guess, means you'd have this personality
no matter what DNA you end up with
which is why
i say i'll do whatever it takes to get you here

but please, pupptfish
please don't leave me

i'm sure there plenty of other adorable little souls waiting
but you wanted me first
and we've been together for years now

let somebody else go to her
because
if you disappear from my head
i'll totally loose it

and
i don't know if you're in communication with your dad at all
but if you are
maybe
tell him
i'm sorry that i'm so scary
i've tried really hard to be easy for him
and this is really just the best i can do

will you love me less, puppyfish, if i tell you i'm afraid

i'm afraid
it'll be a boy
and that boy will be you
and
you'll belong to somebody else

and they'll be nothing left for me

the gypsy told me
the card deck itself was telling me something
and there were two empresses
which i didn't understand at all at the time
but
i've thought i understood for a while now
but
maybe i'm wrong

i was thinking today:
what if i end up
having to have
a donor egg
and donor sperm
and i'm just the vessel

that's not what i want

would i settle for that
to get you


and
i thought:
i probably would


but
maybe
you don't want to wait
maybe you don't trust me
or what
if you're not tied to me so much as your dad

maybe
maybe i'll lose you both
or maybe i'll bore him to death with all my angst

and
what will you call me, i wonder
not mommy
not mom
[at least not till you're older and embarrassed by me]

mama ama ma

what do you think puppyfish

i think my picture should be bigger

*sigh*