i don't know where souls stay, waiting to be born

and i don't remember exactly when
you first talked to me
but
i love you puppyfish
i've grown attached to you
you
the spirit
which, i guess, means you'd have this personality
no matter what DNA you end up with
which is why
i say i'll do whatever it takes to get you here

but please, pupptfish
please don't leave me

i'm sure there plenty of other adorable little souls waiting
but you wanted me first
and we've been together for years now

let somebody else go to her
because
if you disappear from my head
i'll totally loose it

and
i don't know if you're in communication with your dad at all
but if you are
maybe
tell him
i'm sorry that i'm so scary
i've tried really hard to be easy for him
and this is really just the best i can do

will you love me less, puppyfish, if i tell you i'm afraid

i'm afraid
it'll be a boy
and that boy will be you
and
you'll belong to somebody else

and they'll be nothing left for me

the gypsy told me
the card deck itself was telling me something
and there were two empresses
which i didn't understand at all at the time
but
i've thought i understood for a while now
but
maybe i'm wrong

i was thinking today:
what if i end up
having to have
a donor egg
and donor sperm
and i'm just the vessel

that's not what i want

would i settle for that
to get you


and
i thought:
i probably would


but
maybe
you don't want to wait
maybe you don't trust me
or what
if you're not tied to me so much as your dad

maybe
maybe i'll lose you both
or maybe i'll bore him to death with all my angst

and
what will you call me, i wonder
not mommy
not mom
[at least not till you're older and embarrassed by me]

mama ama ma

what do you think puppyfish

i think my picture should be bigger

*sigh*